The Secret Diaries of … The judges of The X-Factor

MEL BLATT OK, so this morning I walked into this cafe, right, and I give my order to the waitress, who I thought looked like a right little cow, and next thing you know she plonks a bowl on the table, and I said to her, I said, “What do you frickin’ call this Because I’ll tell you one thing, sister, I wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole.

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