Paul Slansky’s Weekly Index of the News

Paul Slanskys Weekly Index of the News

• increasing largeness of

Ballard, J. G.
• passing of

Bay, Michael
• tear-inducingly hilarious annihilation of appears in The Onion

Boehner, Rep. John
• torture is accidentally referred to as “torture” by

Boyle, Susan
• de-frumping of

Buckley, Christopher
• loss of larger-than-life parents of is touchingly yet entertainingly chronicled by

Hannity, Sean
• offer by to be — now here’s a phrase heretofore uncontemplated in the history of humanity — waterboarded for charity by Charles Grodin

Harman, Rep. Jane
• disenchantment of with NSA wiretapping policy previously championed by now that the voice of turns up in wiretapped conversations saying the kinds of things that can only cause re-election problems for

Helmsley, Leona
• estate of ignores wishes of and bestows a mere $1 million to dog charities while squandering $136 million on causes beneficial to humans

Kaplan, Peter
• brilliant 15-year tenure of as editor of the New York Observer ends with the resignation of, leaving observers to marvel at the stamina of to have stomached working for Jared Kushner for almost three years

Kristol, William
• decidedly unbrilliant work of is somehow deemed worthy of a $250,000 Bradley Prize “for his outstanding achievements in a wide range of activities” — like writing a year’s worth of some of the stupidest columns ever to sully the New York Times op-ed page

• horse is once again tumbled from by

Musser, Phil
• unwitting admission by that the guilt of — and deservingness of torture of — Guantanamo prisoners was obvious by the mere casting of the naked eyes of upon

Napolitano, Janet
• Homeland Security report about the threat of “right-wing terrorists” leads to demands for resignation of as department secretary by conservative House Republicans apparently oblivious to the fact that they’re not in charge anymore and nobody has to do anything just because they want them to

National Organization for Marriage
• Stephen Colbert is ridiculously thanked by for making vicious fun of, and then more vicious fun is made of

Obama, President Barack
• Cheney doesn’t like the domestic policies of any more than he likes the foreign policies of, but — see Napolitano entry — who cares what he thinks

• Photoshopping of topless image of

O’Reilly, Bill
• Obama’s handshake with Chavez leads to further display of ignorance by

Palin, Gov. Sarah
• conviction of that nothing bad that happens to is ever the fault of

• twelfth ethics complaint is filed against

• willingness of father of grandson of to take legal action against in order to spend time with said grandson

Prejean, Carrie
• non-gay marriage is referred to by as “opposite marriage”

Screen Actors Guild
• bad deal that was basically on the table 10 months ago is finally agreed to by

Spitzer, Eliot
• comeback efforts of get a big boost with surprise TV appearance of

• commission of by Freddie Mac CFO

• efforts to avoid commission of by accused “Craigslist killer,” for whom, according to his lawyer, “the transition from being free to being incarcerated is very difficult”

Tiahrt, Rep. Todd
• previous dismissal by of Rush Limbaugh as “just an entertainer” is clarified by spokesman for, who reveals the updated belief of that the porcine hatemongering ignoramus is actually “a great leader of the conservative movement in America”

• asinine insistence of the media on framing the debate about the appropriateness of as a right-left issue

• Daily Show montage of efforts to defend ends with observation by Peggy Noonan so ludicrous that she may never live it down

• dubious-to-say-the-least link to autism of is speculated about by noted medical authority Jim Carrey — oh, wait, he’s not a noted medical authority, he’s a comedian most famous for talking out of his ass, so maybe just never mind

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
• return to prime time of by ABC to celebrate the 10th anniversary of — yes, here’s a major event worth commemorating — its debut